dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
