apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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