Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You are the jesus of drinking
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
