Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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