It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
