If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
