$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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