Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
