It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
