you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
