I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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