I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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