Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just found a bag of teeth...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
