Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
