Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
