Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
