Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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