By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
