I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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