There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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