Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
