I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
