Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
