i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i now understand why vodka
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
