Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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