I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
