can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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