You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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