You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
