It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
