Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
