and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
