I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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