apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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