I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
