I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
