i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
