So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
