i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
