So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
