Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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