i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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