i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
