I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
