I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
