in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Two words: blizzard sex
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
