mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
