after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
