Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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