You just made me feel so damn special
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
