So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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