My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
