Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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