I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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