I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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