good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
