i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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