A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
