Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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