Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
